


Permanent Fixture

by StormyBear30



Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-09
Updated: 2012-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 07:08:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Permanent Fixture

All eyes were on me, staring, questioning, boring into my mind as if to get the answer they had been asking for. The truth was that I didn't have an answer for them, or as least not one that they would want to hear as I stared back and waited for someone to speak. Jared of course took that role as he leaned over the table we were sitting at, pushing a stack of papers my way before speaking. "So…have you made your decision?" He asked point blank, scooting the papers forward a bit more before placing a ball point pen on top of it as well. I watched Jared's face for a moment, handsome and tense all rolled into one, it was such a Jared face if that makes any sense to anyone else but me. Next was Tomo, who truthfully looked a bit stoned, but I could see that he was just as eager to receive my answer as Jared was. Shannon was next and what I saw there literally took my breath away as I bit my lip, looking down at the table because the outright fear and need staring back at me was too much.

"I don't know" I replied, refusing to look at Shannon as I picked my head up and looked at his brother instead. "It's too soon to make this kind of a decision" I lied, because I knew it wasn't the truth by any means.

"Too soon…are you fucking kidding me" Jared exploded; slamming his fist upon the table making us all jump at the harsh sound. "You've been touring with us off and on for over nearly two years now. You've been all over the county with us…you've become a friend…even family" He looked over at Shannon before turning his hardened gaze at me again. "This is a bullshit excuse of an answer if I've ever heard one" He bellowed even louder, pointing at me in full anger. I didn't say anything because I felt as if I were on trial and those three the ones deciding my fate, a feeling that I completely fucking hated. Tomo's anger seemed to match that of Jared as he glared at me hatefully, and yet I said nothing again. Risking a glance I looked over at Shannon who just looked shocked and even a bit hurt before he got up from the table and walked out of the room.

"Shannon…" I finally found the courage to speak as I pushed myself away from the table as well and went after him. I knew were he was going as I walked though the house that the brother's shared, finding him standing in the back yard of their home staring at the beautiful landscape surrounding us. "Shannon…" I spoke his name again as I carefully walked out onto the patio, standing behind him, waiting for him to turn to me, speak to me, anything other then the silence that was surrounding us.

"I don't understand?" He finally spoke, still staring out straight ahead of him. "Is it me? Is the reason that you're so hesitant to join us permanently because of me…of us?" He finally turned to face me, pain and upset screaming from his intense hazel eyes.

"Shannon…no" I assured, despite the fact that I knew I was lying once again because the truth of the matter was that I was fucking terrified of the fledgling relationship that had blossomed between the drummer and I over the course of the Taste of Chaos tour and the idea of what becoming a permanent member of their family was going to mean to me, to us. "I don't know" I decided to come clean as I dug into my pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, removing one and lighting it before inhaling the calming agent. "I guess that it does scare me a little bit. If I sign on fully then you and I will be together all the time and I'm just not sure how that will work with what we have"

I watched as pain turned into anger as he took a deep breath before snatching the cigarette from my hand and pulling a full drag off of it before tossing it into the wind. "And exactly what do we have?" He asked, shoving his hands into his pockets as he waited for me to answer.

"Shannon…" I tried to sooth the raging beast before me as I placed my hand upon his shoulder.

"Don't fucking Shannon me" He bit out, pushing my hand off before walking away from me. "What we have…" He mocked angrily as he turned to face me from across the patio. "I thought it was a relationship but I guess I was wrong. I mean what the hell was I thinking since you've been sharing my bed…sharing my life for the last six months" I could hear the accusations and hurt in his words but I truly didn't know what to do or to say and so I said nothing once again. "I thought that we were actually going somewhere…but I guess I was wrong with that as well" He looked up at me with eyes flashing and flooding with tears, but then it was gone in an instant when he said words that broke my already confused heart. "No worries I can fix both of your problems rather easily" He was mocking again and it made my heart beat a bit faster within my chest. "You're out of the band and whatever we had is done" He spoke the words I knew to be coming with such anger and hatred that it felt as if he had belted me across the face physically instead of verbally. "There you go two birds with one stone" And with that said he raced back into the house, me following after him. "He's made his decision and he's out" I heard Shannon cry out from the kitchen causing me to stop dead in my tracks as Jared and Tomo came barreling into the living room with looks so angry upon their faces that I knew things were about to end very badly.

"I didn't…" I tried to speak, but before I could finish Tomo and Jared were at my sides literally rushing me towards the front door.

"It was nice fucking knowing you" Jared spoke evilly, shoving me out of the door Tomo had opened. "Not…" He went on not even giving me a chance to speak before the door was slammed brutally in my face. I stood there for a moment trying to figure out what the hell had just happened but I decided it was better to head home before anything else fucked up could happened. I could feel eyes upon me as I walked towards my car, already knowing who it was as I turned and looked up into the window that housed Shannon's bedroom. As expected I found Shannon staring down at me with such sad eyes that I had to fight the urge to start bawling right there in that very driveway. However, it only lasted a moment and then he was gone, leaving me feeling empty in a way that I had never felt before.

I was exhausted as I made my way into my apartment, falling down heavily onto the nearby couch as I continued to try and come to terms as to what had happened. I had pretty much figured out that I was out of the band and a small part of me was ok with that, but what had me completely confused was the fact that what Shannon and I had started months before hand seemed to be over and that alone troubled me more then I could understand. Closing my eyes I recalled the day that changed everything once and for all between Shannon and I. It was a crazy and confusing day filled with sadness and wonderment.

Flashback…

It all started one rainy afternoon as the four of us sat around our dressing room waiting for our set during one of the many TOC shows we were scheduled for. Tomo and Jared were arguing about what costume we should wear for our next show, Shannon and I playing at game of red hot hands. It was a brutal game with both of our hands red and welted and yet neither of us was willing to back down until one of us was victorious. I was just about to go in for the kill when Shannon's phone rang, I nearly toppling over as I aimed for his hands hovering above my own, and then he was gone as he jumped up and answered it. "Loser…" I hollered over at him, grinning like mad when he flipped me the bird with a huge smile upon his face. I think that it was at that point in time that I realized just how ruggedly handsome Shannon was, and that thought alone confused me quite a bit. I continued to watch him, watch as that smile disappeared and in it's place a look of shock and then horror before he raced towards the bathroom, slamming the door loudly behind him. Jared looked at me for a second as if trying to figure out what was wrong before he sprinted for the door, trying to get in but having no success.

"Shannon…" He cried out, banging on the wooden door like mad because that type of behavior was so unlike the older man. "Shannon let me in" He cried out some more, banging even louder when Shannon refused. I don't know how long that went on before the door was thrown open and Shannon slowly made his way into the room. You could tell he had been crying by the redness in his eyes and the tear stains upon his cheeks. Tomo and I were on our feet in a flash as we rushed over to him in order to be there for our compadre' and friend. "Shannon…what's wrong?" Jared questioned quickly, just standing there with a look of helplessness upon his face.

"Diesel died" He whispered, tears once again threatening him as he looked up at Jared and then the rest of us. I had no idea who this person was but by the look of devastation on his face I knew it was someone important in Shannon's life. "It was an over dose. The funeral's in two days"

"Oh Shannon…" Jared cried out, hugging his brother, only to be pushed away as he walked towards the other end of the room.

"I mean he was a drug addict…it's what happens to them right?" He asked no one in particular as he faced the wall away from us. "It was just a matter of time before it caught up with him…despite the fact that I fucking begged him time and time again to get help"

"Shannon…I'm sorry man" I spoke up, unsure about what to say or even what to do. Thankfully someone poked their head into the room alerting us that we had five minutes until we were to be on stage.

"I can cancel tonight's gig if you want" I heard Jared speak, stepping forward as he placed his hand upon Shannon's shoulder as a show of support.

"No need" Shannon turned to face us, a smile so fake upon his face that it broke my heart to look upon it. "We've got five minutes. I can do this. I'll just have to work out the details of the funeral afterwards" He went on, not saying another word as he pushed past us and excited the room. None of us knew what to do after that except follow him. The show went on without a hitch, but I could tell that Shannon's mind was else where as he beat the shit out of his kit as if to expel some of the demons from his past. He avoided us afterwards, instead locking himself in the bathroom once again while Tomo and Jared did the signing table with the fans. I sat on the couch, just staring at the closed door, hoping and praying that Shannon was ok because I had no fucking idea what I could do to help him. He came out a few minutes later once again red eyed and teary, locking eyes with me from across the room before he came and flopped down beside me.

"I'm really sorry for your loss Shannon" I spoke softly, lying my hand upon his arm for a moment before removing it. "Was he someone close to you?" I asked, already knowing the answer by the look of devastation staring back at me.

"Yeah you could say that" He smiled sadly, staring across the room as if in deep thought. "He was a former lover and one of the best friends a guy could ever have" He replied, looking back to me as if to gage my reaction, continuing when he didn't get a negative one. "We actually met in prison" He laughed, biting at his fingernail as he went on with his tale. "But we didn't become lovers until after we were both released. He was a musician too and we had this amazing life planned out, but then he started using and everything just fell apart. I tried to make it work, tried to get him to clean himself up but there was nothing that I could do. I finally had to let him go and it was the hardest fucking thing I ever had to do" I could tell it was breaking Shannon to continue as I once again laid my hand upon his arm in hopes of offering some comfort. "We didn't talk for years after that and then one day he showed up at me door with a wife and a kid and a promise that things were going to get better. I was so happy for him that his life was getting back on track and then I heard that he was using again and now this. Fucking hell…I always knew this day was going to come and yet it doesn't make it any easier" He cried out, tears pouring down his face as I did the only thing that I could and pulled him into my arms and just held him until he was all cried out. "Sorry…" He laughed sadly, wiping at his eyes once he pulled away. "I didn't mean to bring all this down on you"

"It's ok bro" I assured, taking his hand into my own before giving it a gentle squeeze. "Do you know what you are going to do about the funeral?" I asked.

"I was talking to his wife when I was in the bathroom and she really wants me to be there. Hell…she wants me to speak at the funeral. I don't know what the fuck to say" Tears once again twinkled within his eyes as he looked up at the ceiling as if to control them. "I have to call the airline and make a reservation. We don't have a show for the next two days so I should be able to fly in and fly out and not disrupt the tour" I watched as he got up and once again made his way towards the bathroom

"Do you want me to come with you?" I blurted out because I wanted to be there for Shannon as much as I possibly could and because I was clueless as to what else to do.

He turned to face me, not saying a word for a moment. "I'd like that" He smiled briefly. "I'll make all the reservations" He called out over his shoulder before shutting himself up within the small room once again.

To say that Jared was upset about our agreement was an understatement as he drove with us in the cab to the airport that night. "This doesn't make any sense" He cried out in protest from the front seat where Shannon had insisted he sit. "I'm your fucking brother…I should be there with you"

"Jared for fucks sake give it a rest" Shannon retorted, lying his head against the seat, eyes closed. "You know why you can't be there. You have that radio show tomorrow afternoon and the photo shoot the next day" He reminded, rolling his head to the side as he shot me an apologetic look.

"Do you think that I give a fuck about those things? You're my brother Shannon, you're more important then any of that shit"

"I know Jared and I appreciate that you're willing to give those things up for me…but I'll be fine. The truth is that I just want to get this over and done with. I don't want to make it into a spectacle and if you come with me that's what's going to happen"

I watched as Jared's mouth fell open, and then closed as he turned to face the front with his arms crossed over his chest. "Fuck you then" He replied under his breath, but loud enough for all of us to hear him.

"Jared you know that I didn't mean anything by that" Shannon leaned forward and placed his hands upon his shoulders. "But you know what I mean. Please bro…just let me get through this so we can move on" I could hear the pleading in Shannon's voice and it broke my heart once again because the once so strong man sounded so frail.

Jared didn't speak a word but I knew Shannon's plea had reached him as he reached back and squeezed the hands upon his shoulder before turning his attention to the road ahead of him again.

The funeral was a strange and almost surreal affair, where I got to meet some of the people from Shannon's past. There was no doubt that he was loved by everyone and who couldn't blame them because Shannon truly was a great guy. I also got to meet Diesel's wife and daughter, watching as Shannon helped to keep them both strong during the entire affair. His speech during the funeral was heartfelt and funny. Everyone laughed and smiled through their tears, and as much as Shannon appeared to be holding himself together as he told story after story of his onetime friend and lover, but I could see that he was already beginning to fray at the edges. I was at his side the moment that he was finished as we headed for our hotel room because I knew he was more then ready for that day to end. As we were leaving he excused himself for a moment as he went to what I assumed to be paying his final respects to the widow, but instead he pulled out an over stuffed envelope, handing it to her before he kissed her on the cheek and made his way back towards me. No words were spoken as we walked back to our room, the silence continuing to surround us as he each plopped down on the couch in exhaustion.

"That was really nice what you did for his widow today" I finally broke the silence as I looked over at him, he looking back at me in confusion. "The envelope…I saw you give it to her. It was really nice of you to do that" I repeated, cursing myself for sounding like a complete loon.

"The stupid fucker left them completely broke…what else was I supposed to do" Shannon replied as he turned to face me fully, lying his head on the side of the couch as he did. "You can't tell Jared ok?" He asked and I could see the seriousness on his face. "He hated Diesel from the first time he met him…said he was no good for me and maybe he was" He went on, his eyes taking on a far away look before they became clear again. "The thing is that you can't help who you fall in love with can you? I knew he was trouble from the moment that I met him…but there was just something about him that made me fall in love with him. Do you know what I mean?" He asked, tears blazing down his face as he gazed into my eyes.

"Yeah…" Was all the response I could muster as I took in the broken man before me. I didn't know what I was doing as I reached forward and gently wiped the tears from his cheek, my hand resting there once it was done. I didn't know if it was the moment or just the fact that Shannon looked so open and vulnerable, but right then I did something that I still can't believe that I did as I leaned forward and kissed him on his salty lips.

"Tim…what are you doing?" Shannon questioned me with a look of stunned shock upon his face.

"I don't know…" I replied truthfully, because I really didn't know what I was doing since my body seemed to be working on its own. I scanned his face for any revulsion or dislike and when I didn't see anything like that I kissed him again. That kiss was longer, more though as I threaded my fingers within his hair and pulled him closer. I still don't know how we ended up in the bedroom, but there we were just the same naked and exploring each other in ways that I would never have expected for guys that were only supposed to be band mates. I made love to Shannon that night and it was amazing and shocking all rolled into one. Amazing because I had never experienced such intense emotions while being intimate with someone like that and shocking for the same reason. I'd been with men before, hell I was open to just about anything, but for some reason that time with Shannon was different then anything I had ever experienced before. Afterwards we just lie there sweaty and panting, neither of us saying a word as we both found fascination with the ceiling. I don't think either of us knew what to make of it and eventually we both fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed, kicking myself mentally for allowing what happened to happen when I knew Shannon was in mourning. Dragging my stupid ass out of bed, I went to the restroom and cleaned myself up, hesitantly walking into the living area of our hotel room, unsure of what I was about to find. What I found was Shannon lying on the couch with a look of full concentration on his face. "Shannon…" I spoke his name softly, he didn't hear me. "Shannon…" I spoke up a bit louder, walking deeper into the living room before sitting down on the edge of the couch. He still didn't seem to hear me as I proceeded to get up, only to stop at a hand upon my arm.

"Are you sorry about what happened last night? He asked with no emotion on his face as he waited for my response.

I have to admit that I thought about it for a moment before I spoke, because I really wasn't sure what to think about it. I quickly came to the conclusion that I wasn't sorry about anything that had happened that night prior; in fact I hoped that Shannon and I could continue to share a bed from time to time because as confusing as it had been, it had been wonderful as well. "No…did you?" I asked, staring him straight in the eye as I waited for his reply.

"No…" He answered with a shy smile. "Was it a pity fuck?" He asked me then, taking me off guard for a moment because not once did I ever think about it that way.

"No…" I answered truthfully, sitting closer to him as he sat up.

"What was it then?" He went on with his line of questioning.

"Does it have to be anything Shannon?" I asked, once again reaching out and cupping his cheek as I had done the night before. "You just…" I tried but found myself at a loss of words. "I mean…I wanted…" The words still would not come. "Fuck…I just wanted to kiss you so badly last night and when you let me…well it just went from there"

"Does that mean that you might want to do it again?" He chuckled, smiling at me as I blushed like a madman.

"I definitely want to do it again" I smiled, shooting him a wink before I lunged forward and pinned him on his back. We made love again right there on that couch, and several times in that bed before we flew back to meet up with the guys on tour. Things just kind of progressed from there as whenever the chance presented itself Shannon and I were fucking like bunnies. We tried to keep it a secret from Jared and Tomo, but all of that flew out the window one night as Jared walked into the bathroom we were fucking in, because in our haste we had forgotten to lock the door behind us before hand. It didn't go well to say the least. In fact Jared wanted to have me kicked out of the band immediately, but Shannon forbad it and eventually he either accepted it or got used to it. I don't really know and truthfully I really didn't care because I enjoyed spending time like that with Shannon.

End Flashback…

I didn't know what to think about my fucked up situation as I continued to lie on the couch, my mind constantly wandering back to the many times Shannon and I had come together. Even when we weren't touring we always seemed to find ourselves together, sometimes just hanging out, sometimes having marathon sessions of love making. I tried to convince myself that I was better off without him because in my mind sleeping with men was only something that I did for fun and stimulation. Never once since the first time I had been with one had I thought of it more then that. I had a plan and yeah maybe it was a fucked up plan but it was one just the same. I intended to fuck my way through the male and female population while I was young and handsome enough to do so and then once I was older I would find a woman that was wife material and settle down with her, maybe have a kid or two. The problem was that since I had started up with Shannon, the plan had sort of been pushed to the back burner. I hadn't really been with anyone else since that first night of ours together, except for a few women here and there along the tour and even they were shared with Shannon. We would fuck them, kick them out and then fuck each others brains out for hours afterwards. That had to mean something; the problem was that I had no idea what.

Nearly a week passed and I found myself more and more miserable. I hadn't truly realized how much time Shannon and I had spent together, until it was suddenly all gone. Constantly I had to curb the urge to pick up the phone and call him, just so I could hear his voice. Whenever I was out driving, I would often find myself sitting outside in his driveway, dying to go to the door and beg for his forgiveness, but unable to do so for some insane reason. I didn't think that anyone knew about those times until one night Tomo showed up at my door.

"You're a stupid fucking fool" He told me point blank as we sat on the balcony of my apartment drinking a beer. "You're miserable without him and he's miserable without you. You're both idiots"

"I am not miserable…" I cut myself off as I replayed what Tomo had said over in my head. "Wait…he's miserable without me?" I asked with such hope in my words that it caused me to blush at how eager I was.

"He tries to pretend that it doesn't bother him…but you can tell that it does. He mostly hides in his room and when he does come out and hang with us he hardly says two words that don't pertain to you and the shit that you have done. Jared's tried to fix him up with man and woman alike to get his mind off of you…but it's not working"

"He's been on dates?" I asked, my heart sinking into my stomach at the idea.

"I didn't say that…I said that Jared has tried but Shannon never goes through with it. Why don't you two fuckers just admit the one thing that Jared and I already know and end this madness?"

"What?" I asked, truly not having any idea what he was talking about.

"That you both love each other" He belted out, reaching over and slapping me on the side of the head before he got up to leave. Be the bigger man Tim" He turned to face me. "If you don't want to be in the band…then that's fine…don't be. But Jesus Christ it's obvious that you love and care about Shannon…so go and make it right…be happy because if you should be lucky enough to find love…man or woman then you should fight for it tooth and nail"

"How do I know if it's love" I asked stupidly because honestly I had never been in love before and I wouldn't know what it was if it bit me on the ass and then spanked me afterwards.

I heard Tomo sigh from across the balcony before he moved back over to me and took his seat. "Do you think about him all the time?" He asked, staring me straight in the eye so I couldn't lie to him.

I hesitated for a moment before I answered. "Yeah…" I blushed even more.

"Do you miss spending time with him?"

"I do…" I sighed myself because I really did miss Shannon so much.

"Have you found yourself looking or even thinking about any other man or woman?"

I racked my brain trying to think of a single person and came up with nothing. "Holy shit…I'm in love with Shannon" I announced in wonderment, Tomo smiling like a goofball over at me.

"About fucking time man" He laughed, watching me as I got up and practically ran for the door. "Where are you going?" He called out to me.

"To talk to Shannon" I cried out, leaving the door wide open as I exited it, racing for my car. I was driving like a madman trying like hell to get to Shannon as fast as I could. I didn't know what my rush was, but I knew that I had to get there and quick. I was so in a rush that I ran red light after red light, pushing my luck with each one and then my luck ran out. I woke up some time later in a white room, bright with light and Shannon's concerned face staring down at me. "Shannon…" I tried to speak but found it only came out as a small squeak as I blinked back tears.

"Jesus fucking Christ you're awake" I heard him speak, tears in his eyes as well as he continued to stand above me. I still had no idea what the hell had happened, but as I looked around I could tell I was in a hospital of some sort. "You scared the shit out of all of us man" Shannon drew my attention back to him, I realizing for the first time that he was holding me hand.

"Yeah man…what the fuck" I heard Jared speak as I turned my head and found him hovering over me as well. "Shannon and I were just about to go out and then we get this phone call that you've been in an accident. You trying to kill yourself of something?"

"An accident" I repeated, spotting Tomo behind Shannon and he did not look happy.

"What the hell happened?" He asked. "What the hell were you thinking? You could have fucking killed yourself and for what?" He went on with his scolding, Jared and Shannon looking on.

"I had to get to Shannon" I spoke as loud as I could; turning my whole focus towards the man I had to declare my love to.

"Me…why?" Shannon asked in confusion, but the look of hopefulness in his eyes made me smile.

"I had to tell you that I loved you…because I really do fucking love you" I replied with my own smile. "I was just too stupid to believe it" Tears got the best of me as he just looked at me as if I had two heads, stepping back and out of my sight. My heart dived bombed into my stomach as I tried to get up, a rush of dizziness washing over me before I had a chance. "Shannon…"

"I love you too" I heard him respond as he came back into view, fresh tears trickling down his face. "I fucking love you too" He smiled at me as he leaned down and kissed me softly.

"About fucking time" I heard Jared say, causing all of us to laugh as Shannon helped me sit up. "So what does that mean for the band?" He asked, as three pairs of eyes stared me down just like they had during another time not long before then.

"Just consider me a permanent fixture" I grinned, turning my full attention towards the man that I could finally admit I was head over heels in love with. "Think you're going to get tired of seeing this face day in and day out?" I asked with a grin.

"No fucking way" He responded with a smile so huge and so beautiful that it took my breath away before he leaned in and kissed me soundly.

The End…


End file.
